Tag Archives: Satire

Just why did the chicken cross the road?

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640px-chicken

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it’s lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Study says cynicism linked to dementia. I’ll bet.

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By Glen… uhm. Glen… Oh, it’ll come to me.

bloomberg2-550x343I was watching a Phoenix newscast which cited a ridiculous study says that cynicism may be linked to dementia. Right. And comedians tend to have psychotic personality traits.

The study was published by the online Neurology web site of the American Academy of Neurology. Of course you have to sign in to read the full article. Just exactly what are they trying to hide?

The study was conducted by researchers at the University of Eastern Finland in Kuopio. That’s right. Finland. Can you believe it?

Newsweek had to sound all scientific. They went into this historic rant leading up to Diogenes syndrome. They even cite the British Medical Journal. Well, la-te-da! They add this little gem to the conversation.

For example, the best-known Cynic of the Classical Greece era, one Diogenes of Sinope, slept in an empty wine barrel, masturbated in public and urinated on critics. (Diogenes syndrome now refers to “an older adult living in squalor,” according to the British Medical Journal.) And then there’s philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, who at 44 had a nervous breakdown that eventually led to his dementia and death. While deeply influenced by the Cynics, much of Nietzsche’s writing is arguably closer to today’s concept of cynicism—distrust in social systems and, by extension, the people who partake in them.

walter biden

What is laughable is the most cynical people on the Internet, The Huffington Post, had this to say in their article:

If you always think the worst of people, you might be putting your own brain health at risk, according to a new study.

Really? The web site that thinks the worst of everything Republican without referring to Article IV, Section 4 of the Constitution of the United States?

And FOX News has to weigh in like they know something, but they just link to Medical Daily.

The online journal Shape suggests:

Questioning people’s true intentions is healthy when it comes to telemarketers or politicians, but keep that skepticism up with friends and family and your brain might pay the price:…

They quote some PH.D. who wrote a book Crazy: Notes on and off the Couch. This PH.D. claims:

Negative emotions are a form of stress that taxes the body.

By the way, did you read that article about Obama’s cynical foreign speech?

If you believe this tripe you no doubt believe that CNN is reality TV or the dog-faced boy in the tabloids is real.

That reminds me of a cute story. When my dog was a puppy he was laying with me in bed. I kid you not, it was the first time he broke wind. He stood up and looked at me as if to say Oh, man. I’m sorry. Then he walked to the end of the bed and laid back down. I kid you not. I must have laughed for five-minutes.

But I digress. Or maybe I digress.

What were we talking about?

Disclaimer: The author has had personal and painful experience with a dementia patient. This article is not meant as an insult to those patients and he applauds any effort to find a cure for this or any disease. The links included are to serious articles on the subject for those who might be interested.

BREAKING NEWS: Democrats release video showing that Cory Booker could drive to Hawaii

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bookerDuring the Democratic global warming all-nighter, New Jersey Senator Cory Booker spoke about “the only trip he ever took” (so as not to add to the global warming problem) after getting his license was a trip to Hawaii. Needless to say the statement is making the rounds of the Internet including FOX News which quote IJReview:

Cory Booker actually begins to muse nostalgically about first getting his driver’s license as a teen in New Jersey. His eyes turn misty as he remembers the “only trip” he ever took was to drive to Hawaii, and it was a beautiful – wait, what?!

Listen, I’m no Christopher Columbus, but I’m pretty sure even Magellan couldn’t traipse his way from Jersey to the island paradise of Hawaii in a car. Mostly because he probably couldn’t drive a car, but also because there’s more than 2,000 miles of ocean between Hawaii and the U.S. mainland!

Democrats are fighting back by releasing this video advocating positive proof that Senator Booker could drive to Hawaii.